Bald Head Island: Chapter 2
My Dear Cousin Chauncey,
I have no words to express how delighted I was to receive your letter, which arrived this morning. You may find it amusing to learn that I have also received a note from Cousin Marie, the adorable traitor, and that her depiction of the comedienne you are so diligently courting differs from yours in many, not insignificant regards. From what she writes I deduce that the epithet “comedienne” that you used to describe her applies only very loosely to your new sweetheart, but far be it from me to reproach you for reasons that will become clear to you in what follows.
My new landlord, Capt. Spencer, carries the weighty responsibility of overseeing the operations of the many cannons, columbiads, and Rodman guns that defend our coastal waters from enemy intrusions. On account of said pieces residing on the mainland the Captain is compelled to travel away from home extensively in order to conduct his duties, and his wife, Mrs. Spencer, is therefore left to manage the hospitality. I am most pleased to report that the lady shoulders this task with great skill, vigor and enthusiasm, whether in my quarters, her own boudoir, or like this very morning right on top of the breakfast table.
Lest you’re led to believe that the good Mrs. Spencer is my only source of distraction on this island, I must tell you about the Promenade. This stretch of splendidly paved walkway goes from the Yachting Society’s premises along the waterfront to the Casino, both venues having excellent facilities for dining and other enjoyment, as do the multitude of other establishments along the route. But the most noteworthy features of the Promenade are the ladies and their pets. The ladies invariably display the finest couture imaginable from the premier houses of Paris, London and Milan and are a pure joy to behold, but no less remarkable, if not more so, are the pets they hold on leashes, provided one may properly call them pets. The most common is the spotted leopard, but on any evening you are bound to see lions, cheetahs and even great Bengal tigers walk beside their mistresses at the end of flimsy leashes, docile and tame as well-fed house cats. Some of the more adventurous ladies might even sport a Siberian bear or Egyptian crocodile as their pet of choice, and one member of the New York elite even walks an entire pack of wolves. Most certainly this is not something one would see anyplace else in our hemisphere, and it is only possible thanks to the open view of science and progress espoused by this island community. All the beasts have a particular device implanted through a trepanation of their skulls, the device itself being the invention of the illustrious Professors Anschutz and Flaubert. This ingenious invention allows anyone, including the daintiest member of the fairer sex, to control the temper and behavior of any beast no matter how fierce or ferocious its natural disposition may be. It is truly a marvel! Some progressive souls advocate the wider deployment of the invention outside this community, the freethinkers counting among their ranks none other than Senator McBroom, who is visiting Bald Head accompanied by his daughter.
Even if McBroom’s ideas were to take root more widely they could not have prevented the horrific scene I witnessed this morning. After the satisfactory conclusion of my breakfast with Mrs. Spencer I was keen to take a stroll on the nearby golf course for some fresh air before the heat of the day set in. A Boston couple had apparently hit upon the same idea and were walking along the fairway accompanied by their small children and the family dog, a lively and playful Labrador retriever. Upon approaching a water hazard on the left the dog decided to examine it more closely. No sooner had it reached the edge of the water when out of the depths a fearsome alligator emerged and lunged at the retriever. The reptile snatched the dog with its powerful jaws, then sunk back into the murky waters, the hapless dog wriggling and yelping, mercilessly held by the monster’s sharp and plentiful teeth, on its way to a horrible end. The whole episode was over in the time it takes to blink an eye, but as you can imagine the event will surely make an indelible mark in the minds of the couple and their young children.
Beyond the episodes I mentioned my life on Bald Head Island is a sedate and rather dull affair, in particular since by your father’s decree I’m not allowed to place wagers at the tables in the Casino, which is a great shame since the establishment is as fine as any I’ve seen, nor am I to partake in the close study of the ABC – Absinthe, Bourbon and Cognac – per the Colonel’s directive. As one expects the upper classes of Southern and Northern society are well represented, including members of Gotham’s four hundred families, the polo field crowd and other peculiar birds, all of whom regard me as pariah having listened to your parents warnings.
When I complained to Tante Marguerite she pointed out that there are many members of the scientific community vacationing on the island, and since I supposedly attended the Polytechnic, if only in name, I might do well seeking them out, which sounds like an exciting prospect, does it not? I am speaking with sarcasm, of course.
Eagerly looking forward to your reply, I remain yours etc. etc. etc.
Charles B. Beauregard